2017 in Film

Honestly, 2017 is perhaps one of the absolute worst years--if not THE worst year--in the history of film. I would like to act like a huge expert on the year, but alas, 2017 is one of these eye-opening years when it comes to films.

In total, I have seen 37 films, and I forgot that I have seen over half of them.  Roughly 11 or 12 films I remembered seeing that are off my worst list; another 12 films I remembered out of my "best" list; and only 1 film--The Shape of Water--I remember vividly, but cannot quite rectify it as either films.

Before I do my 2017 worst films of 2017, however, allow me to roast every single major release from the year 2017, including films I have not even seen.  Starting with the January releases:

The month of January is historically known for being the month of the year where major awards contenders that haven't a prayer of getting noticed at the box office during the competitive month of December expand from limited to wide release in order to spread word-of-mouth. In addition, January also happens to be the dumping ground for all the films too shitty for the previous year, with the first weekend of the new year often reserved for a horror movie of some kind.

January 6:  Hidden Figures; A Monster Calls; Underworld: Blood Wars.

Let's start with the, um..."sexy pick" and work our way down.  Hidden Figures was basically the 2016 equivalent of The Help; exists simply for race-baiting as well as liberal pandering, but is otherwise sort of harmless.  A Monster Calls is basically sentimental pandering for a children's audience that would be too young for such an intense fantasy film, and way too obscure to possibly gain any notice from either audiences or the Academy Awards.  And finally, we have the only film starring a sexy babe from a film franchise that has gone completely cold by this point and merely exists as an afterthought.  A shame because Kate Beckinsale actually deserves much better than the crap that she receives.  She did star in last year's best movie in Love & Friendship, and in spite the universal acclaim, was completely shut out and ignored by the Academy Awards.  FUCK YOU, HARVEY!

January 13:  The Bye Bye Man; Monster Trucks; Live By Night; Patriot's Day; Silence; Sleepless

The Bye Bye Man is the kind of horror movie that I would expect to see opening up the month of January because it has appeared on so many people's worst movies of the year.  Either way, it's definitely in the running for the ten worst movie titles of all time.  Meanwhile, Monster Trucks was a stupid idea to begin with, and I cannot believe it even exists.  Who produced it?  Oh, it was Nickelodeon films?  Well, to be fair, at least your film is merely laughably stupid in concept and a mere afterthought in execution, so it's for the best.  Meanwhile, we have here expansions from limited to wide releases of Live By Night, Patriot's Day, and Silence, and while the latter two films were well received by critics, Live By Night--Ben Affleck's 4th bout as a film director and his first since winning Best Picture for Argo--received mixed reviews as the film suffers from the sin of gluttony and got hacked down to shit during editing.  If only filmmakers actually ever learned that most audiences are not too keen at seeing a 4-hour long film, much less 8.  Then again, if they had learned this lesson, then Terrence Malick would have never gone anywhere as a filmmaker in the first place.  Patriot's Day and Silence might be good films; I don't know.  Though I am more partial towards the subject matter of Patriot's Day, all things considered.  Finally, we have Sleepless, which follows another January tradition of shoe-horning a mediocre and forgettable cop drama film in the month of January, because otherwise, we'd be short on action movies.  Too bad the film was a complete waste of time, however.

January 20:  The Founder; Split; xXx: The Return of Xander Cage

The Founder as a movie is about a guy that buys out McDonalds and makes it a huge enterprise.  It is also in essence yet another shot from Michael Keaton to potentially win an Oscar for Best Actor.  Unfortunately, unless he is playing a historically beloved figure; a character who is dying of AIDs or cancer; or playing a mentally impaired individual; he is never going to get that kind of recognition, even off of anti-capitalist propaganda.  Split, meanwhile, seems to be M. Night Shamyalan's second film in a row to signify his return to relevance from his lolcow days of Lady in the Water, The Happening, and The Last Airbender.  Unfortunately, based on his twist ending, we pretty much know he is attempting to set up a cinematic universe that also involves Unbreakable.  At least he is following Marvel's lead on how to do it instead of DC or Universal's.  And finally, we have xXx's long-awaited sequel, and all I have to say is, whatever, man!  You're way past our prime, not that the original film was ever any good in the first place.

January 27:  A Dog's Purpose; Gold; Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

A Dog's Purpose is pretty much one of those saccharin philosophical films from the POV of a dog that lives, dies, and is reincarnated.  Unfortunately, because one of the usual January staples--the January comedy--is missing, the dog POV seems to think it's best way of being touching and insightful is to have the dog act like it's counterpart from those obnoxious bacon treat commercials.  Gold is another one of these January films starring Matthew McConaughey with the word, "Gold" in the title.  It looked like a movie that sort of could have been decent--at least it wasn't a witless RomCom, but still; the theme of corporate greed and all?  Quite tired.  Speaking of tired, anybody really gives two shits about the Resident Evil movies?  No?  Me, neither.  They say this will be the final Resident Evil movie, but I beg to differ; even when a horror movie franchise is dead and buried and is no longer profitable, studios will always try to revive the franchise against all logic and common sense because it's better to rehash old ideas than it is to come up with something new.  How about figuring out how to make a good video game movie before you reboot a video game adaptation?

And that's all for the month of January.  Next stop, February.