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Post by epicgordan on Nov 20, 2017 14:38:47 GMT -5
Oh hai, freeforums.net! My name is Tommy Wiseau! I wrote, produced, directed, and starred in The Room! I'm here to wish all of you a Great Christmas!
Aren't I a beautiful man, haaaahhhh1? Hahaha! What a funny story!
Before we begin, let's talk about The Room. The Room is about me and my relationships with my fiancé, Lisa, my best friend Mark, and my surrogate son, Danny! The story is set inside of the confines of a single room. It is there that every set was built and green screened from the ground up to mirror the real world locations!
It's set in San Francisco! A city with a lot of steep hills, the golden gate bridge, and a bank that is using me, and I'm dah fool!
Anyways, me and Lisa are about to get married. We have sex a lot and I show my ass. I also have a surrogate son, Danny. He likes to join in and watch us throw pillow fights and have sex. He also has a problem with a drug dealer showcasing the problems others in my life are dealing with through the confines of my life as well as the life of my Room.
For example, Lisa frequently talks with her mother who reveals that she definitely has breast cancer. As this subplot is restricted to the confines of my room, this subplot goes no further as it does not relate back to me, Johnny.
Meanwhile, Lisa begins to cheat on me with my best friend, Mark. Oh hai, Mark! And Lisa starts accusing me of hitting her. I did not hit her it's not true it's bullshit I did not hit her I did naauught! And they betrayed me, they didn't keep their promise; they tricked me and I don't care anymore.
The situation escalates even further when Mark refuses to answer me when I asked him about his sex life. This is crucial that I ask him about his sex life so I can begin to suspect something. Mark, after all, is just a little chicken. Cheep-cheep-cheep-cheeeieeieeiiip! So I just I start throwing stuff and knocking stuff off my walls because I'm really upset, and that's what upset people do in movies! They also take a gun to their mouth and pull the trigger when pushed to the breaking point, showcasing just how much better a place the world would be if everybody loved and were honest with one another.
Mai favorite movies include A Streetcar Named Desire and Rebel Without a Cause, so I'm gonna review those movies down the road for my 12 Films of Christmas! Aren't they such beautifully festive films, haaahhh? But for right now, The Room is a masterpiece of filmmaking. It's a great film go check it out, haahhh?
Let's go eat, haaahhh! |
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Post by epicgordan on Nov 23, 2017 14:33:35 GMT -5
Oh, hai, everybody! This is Tommy Wiseau's 12 Films of Christmas! This is my favorite time of year! Let's begin opening our presents now from the Christmas Bunny.
Oh, hai, Christmas Bunny!
My first Christmas Present is a fresh Turkey. That looks delicious. Let's cook it now! Our second present is a basket of eggs and candy. I prefer chocolate chickens. Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheeeiieeeiiieeeeiiieeiiip! And our next present is...an empty box. It's beautiful, haah?
Now our next present is....oh, here's our Next movie to review? It's Plains, Trains, and Automobiles!
The story is about Steve Martin and John Candy trying to get home for Christmas. They first try taking a plain, then a train, and then several automobiles. Specifically a bus, a rental car, a delivery truck, and then a light rail. Hahahahahahah! What a funny story!
Oh, it's a Thanksgiving movie? Today is Thanksgiving and not Christmas? I can't believe you'd betray me. Get out. Everybody betrayed me! I'm fed up with this world!
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Post by epicgordan on Nov 27, 2017 20:57:10 GMT -5
Now that Thanksgiving is over, it's time to resume with Christmas! Our next film to cover is called A Streetcar Named Desire. Oh hai, Streetcar!
Streetcar is about an English teacher having a mental breakdown. After spreading a bunch of lies, her brother-in-law rapes her and beats her so badly that she wound up in a hospital having to depend upon the kindness of strangers. Hahahaha! What a funny story!
But her sister does not believe that he hit her. It's not true it's bullshit he did not hit her. He did naaauuuggghhht!
As you can see, I took a lot of inspiration from this movie when making The Room. I wrote, directed, produced and starred in it. I even auditioned for the role of Stanley! I ended up losing out the role to a Ned Flanders.
Whai is it called A Streetcar Named Desire? Because the Streetcar is what takes Blanche to her desires, which never comes, and it ends with her Streetcar taking her away to the hospital. It's really good, Hauh?
Hahahahaha! Have a really good Christmas! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to decorate my Christmas tree. I'm thinking of hanging my posters on it and topping the tree with the Christmas bunny's furry red hat.
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Post by epicgordan on Dec 3, 2017 18:49:17 GMT -5
Now for my 4th Christmas present, we have...Rebel Without a Cause.
My favorite line in movie history. I even use it in The Room..."YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, LISA!"
Rebel Without a Cause is about a teenage youth revolting against his parents with angst. And that's pretty much all there is about the film.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to bake a cake for Christmas. It's Jesus' birthday, and I think he like my carrot cake.
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Post by epicgordan on Dec 7, 2017 13:02:08 GMT -5
Tomorrow s premiere for my new movie Disaster Artist! Want to go watch it with me, huunhh? Hahahahaha! James Franco is nice man! I really like him. I wanted Johnny Depp to play me, but Franco was my second choice He really nailed it He did!
So for my 5th Film of Christmas, I'm gonna go cover the premiere of The Disaster Artist!
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Post by epicgordan on Dec 8, 2017 14:18:46 GMT -5
Now I review Disaster Artist.
Disaster Artist is about me and my friendship with Greg. We worked on The Room, which I wrote, produced, directed, and starred in. I wanted Johnny Depp to play me but then Greg recommended James Franco to me. I was blown away! He nailed me perfectly! He even wrote and directed the movie and got every detail in it right.
His brother, Dave, also plays Greg. He alright.
Anyways, I move on. I learn to embrace the fans. Hollywood and Harvey Weinstein may have chewed me out, but I still followed my dream. And now I'm famous the world over. And I have Greg and James to thank for. I have my fans to thank for. The Room may not be good, but it had a lot of meaning to it. It meant so much for me. I was initially upset at the people laughing at my vision; my work.
But it's all in the past now. I saw Disaster Artist and I had fun. Franco brothers respected my vision and they did a good job replicating me, Greg, and The Room. Lisa look kind of strange though; I didn't like her.
It not perfect, but I cannot complain. I take it in stride now. Working on The Room and dealing with the critics taught me a whole lot in life. I now laugh it off and move on. But don't go stealing my work, hunh? That's wrong. I don't like it.
But do go see Disaster Artist. It is work of passion for James Franco just like how The Room was work of passion for me. I love it.
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Sorry my review felt a little somber here. Sometime later on, I'm gonna have to review The Disaster Artist for real. No Tommy Wiseau impersonation whatsoever. Just me and my real thoughts on it.
But for my next sleight of reviews for Tommy Wiseau's 12 Films of Christmas will return to my Tommy Wiseau's impersonations. Specifically, the next four reviews will be of Citizen Kane, Casablanca, Giant, and Sonny. The final three reviews, on the other hand, will be a surprise.
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Post by epicgordan on Dec 11, 2017 1:50:36 GMT -5
Oh, hai! For our Sixth Film of Christmas, we have Citizen Kane. It's the greatest movie ever made. It's beautiful, Hunnh? Hahahaha! What a story, Mark!
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Post by epicgordan on Dec 12, 2017 12:13:46 GMT -5
My Seventh Film of Christmas is Giant. James Dean's final role. He died on side of road. I wanted to be just like him, and Greg loved him so much. It's an epic. On hindsight though, this is probably an even bigger favorite, even though no line in it is big a favorite of mine as, "YOU'RE TEARING ME APART!" I still quote that line a lot. Even in The Room.
Go see it if you haven't already. Hello, doggy!
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Post by epicgordan on Dec 14, 2017 16:12:59 GMT -5
My Eighth Film of Christmas, is....
Casablanca!
Here looking at you, hunh?
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Post by epicgordan on Dec 18, 2017 3:08:43 GMT -5
So for our Ninth Film of Christmas, we have Sonny!
Sonny came out in the early 2000's and was directed by Nicholas Cage. James Franco stars in it--he played me in The Disaster Artist. It's real good, hunnhh? Hahahaha! What a funny story!
Anyways, he's real good in this movie. One of his breakout roles, before becoming human spider. Real raw. Not many people know about--
Where is everybody, anyways? Hunh? Oh, that's raight! People have been going to see a new movie. It's my movie, raight?
Huh? Oh, right! Hahahaha! I heard great things about it, but I'm afraid I'm not much of a fan of science fiction. Maybe I give it watch. Oh, it not Ferdinand? I thought that was about space cows taking over the earth or something!
Okay, so I guess my next movie might be whatever this space cow movie happen to be. Personally, I prefer little chickens. Cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheeiieiieiip! Hahahaha! See you in a couple days.
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Post by epicgordan on Dec 20, 2017 13:05:41 GMT -5
So for my Tenth Film of Christmas, I got Star Wars: The Last Jedi
And yes, there are space cows with green milk in this movie. And space chickens that look really cute.
As I said, I am no fan of these kinds of films. It tries to give characters humanity, but I find the mayhem mostly boring. There were some nice moments in the film of character interaction, but all everybody does is run away, and the plot drags out too long.
No, seriously. This movie probably should have been a simple 2-hour long movie at best squeezed into nearly 3 hours, and one wonders how the First Order didn't utterly annihilate the Republic right then and there.
Overall, I didn't care much for it. And in all seriousness, this is pretty much my REAL thoughts as they probably would coincide with the REAL Tommy Wiseau's point of view in some way, shape or form. Skip it.
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Post by epicgordan on Dec 24, 2017 0:01:53 GMT -5
For my Eleventh Film of Christmas...oh wait! I don't have a Christmas tree? But I thought I needed to put up a movie poster and paint a palm tree on it!
Oh, that's a Christmas Tree?
Okay, I do not like the way these kids are staring at me and smiling. I do NAUGGHT!
The story is about an orphanage ruled by a mean Mrs. Bravilda. Then one day, a mother comes with her children to live in this orphanage, and they were happy. Too...happy, it appears. Anyways, they decorate and play with the tree. They even name her Mrs. Hopewell, who was always their only friend.
And that's pretty much everything that needs to be said. This film gives me the creeps. I don't think I like the idea of having a Christmas tree in my house anymore, so I'm tossing it outside.
Now I only have one more Film of Christmas left to review. I guess I will have to wait until Christmas morning before I open it up and review it.
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Post by epicgordan on Dec 25, 2017 11:59:13 GMT -5
Oh, hai, Christmas. Let's see what my 12th and final Film of Christmas happens to be....
This isn't my movie! It's just another movie pretending to be my own!
Room is about a woman who was abducted as a child and kept captive and raped every day of her life since then. She gave birth to a lovely little girl, too. Hahahaha! What a funny story!
But why did it get so much attention and praise when my work was a masterpiece? WHY!? WHY! WHYIIIIII!
You BITCH! *Instert Oscar tantrum here*
Good-bye, cruel world! Why is this happening to me...God, forgive me!
Warning: I apologize for this lazy embarrassment of a 12 Films of Christmas substitute. I failed to realize or care to take notice at just how tedious and boring Tommy Wiseau impersonations would actually kind of get, and went along with it anyways. Do not fuss though; next year, and every year henceforth, will be all about me actually reviewing Christmas movies.
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