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Post by epicgordan on Nov 10, 2017 3:31:15 GMT -5
Tired of complaints about the quality of modern film? Do you wish for an opportunity to critically evaluate whether or not the film's worth your time? Are my reviews too big?
Well, you've gone to the right place? Now most people nowadays would be in the position where if you are judgmental in criticizing a film without having seen it, then you have no idea what you are talking about and that you should fork over $10 of your life savings to give this film a chance--or the most expensive route of waiting until it comes out on DVD and Blu-Ray.
Well, they're completely right? How dare we analyze such important components such as cast, crew, premise, trailers, or reviews without watching the film beforehand! Movies are made for the sole purpose of us having to shut up, deal with it, watch it, and love it unconditionally. To even have a pre-opinion, let alone opinion in general, of a film is a complete waste of time! Just watch the movie and love it! If a film's logistical structure is fundamentally flawed, then it's obviously not the fault of the film for not thinking things through. It's your fault for being so judgmental in the first place.
In fact, why is this thread even a thing in the first place? What could I possibly have to gain by analyzing films based on their trailers, anyways? We all know nothing in the actual trailers ever make their way into the finished product!  |
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Post by William Smith on Nov 10, 2017 21:22:59 GMT -5
Gordo: We could almost make this a test of Smith's First Law Of Trailers: No film is better than its trailers.
I'm game.
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Post by epicgordan on Nov 11, 2017 2:41:35 GMT -5
Here's an idea that I am itching to tackle--mainly because no matter what movie that I go to (except for the recent Pokémon movie which, thank God, didn't have any trailers)--and it would be quite ideologically dangerous if not for the fact that the whole movie is scientifically impossible and the whole premise is completely idiotic:
Downsizing
Had you ever felt like your life was meaningless. Do you want to make a difference to help save the planet...somehow? Are you the kind of person who'd consider Honey, I Shrunk the Kids a rich, cinematic masterpiece on par with Citizen Kane? Do you think the word, "shrunken" ought to be replaced with the far lovelier and pretty-sounding "downsizing?"
Well, you've come to the right place? Downsizing is a film that boasts a talented star-studded cast about people strapped up for cash, and yet somehow have enough in their account to afford the surgical procedure of losing your entire mass and being shrunken down to a mere five inches tall. They do it so they could live their lives like billionaires and to help save the planet by being total subjects to government-sponsored population control....dah, I mean taking care of the overpopulation problem that we keep hearing about, and yet never seems to be a problem to begin with (unless you hate being around other people like myself).
These trailers are so wonderful that it makes me completely forget every single solitary reason why such a concept has never been done in this way before--because of all the horrendous repercussions that allowing yourself to "irreversibly" be shrunken down would cause. Such as....
Political/corporate/social suppression of the little people Getting stepped on/swallowed accidentally Not being able to get anywhere at any time Difficulties with communication (something even Honey, I Shrunk the Kids got right) A wide variety of new environmental hazards and dangerous predators The weather Forced relocation, presumably to concentration camps Being forced into it against your own will Lies Corruption Suppression Dictatorship Cancer Tumors Weakened immune systems Did I forget to mention just how piss easy it'd be for people in power to suppress the masses this way?
And let's not even mention the fact that the science is impossible, unless you have some other place to transfer the energy and mass towards. It's not like mass and energy is something that could easily be depleted as if it was never really there to begin with. Or the fact that the science, the fiction, and the ideas are painfully idiotic even compared to a film like Geostorm, which I heard was a GREAT movie.
So why am I even complaining! Downsizing is a GREAT idea to praise and defend against any of these meaningful points no matter what the cost! Fuck dinosaurs being brought back to life and being showcased to the world in an amusement park? Being shrunken down by a government-sponsored program and never being allowed to grow back to normal size has zero consequences to speak of.
In fact, let's get rid of the word shrunken down; George Costanzia already owns that word and would offend him greatly. Instead, let's replace it with a word that literally means "laying off a ton of people." After all, who wouldn't want to be all that excited by the prospect of being downsized? I know I would!
In fact, let's start calling nice words something even more meaningful. Instead of "birth control," we shall call it "Population Control!" Instead of "adoption," we should call it "abortion!" And instead of "euthanasia," let's just call it a "genocide!" Instead of calling ourselves "human beings," we should instead be called--
I'm fully aware that I am getting way too carried away. We apologize, but we must interrupt this laundry list of replaced terminology before we piss too many people off for reasons I cannot explain without upsetting all 7 billion human beings in some way, shape or form. Please do understand that this is completely sarcastic and is not the least bit meant to be taken seriously.
And speaking of which, I got to go pick up a kitten at the shelter. Maybe I should name such a cute, adorable and friendly little creature...hmmmm...Road Kill!
*******************************************************************
In all seriousness, thank God the movie is completely impossible in every faucet of the word. And whatever you do, do not follow my advise during my last couple of paragraphs. Except where outlined. No, I am not adopting another kitten at this time, and I would never dream of naming a cat Road Kill. That's cruel. Man am I sick and tired of seeing these trailers in every movie I go to see over the last couple of months.
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Post by William Smith on Nov 12, 2017 16:59:48 GMT -5
And, need we note, that the whole notion makes no sense whatsoever in terms of basic science?
What a colossal waste of time and talent. This is the sort of thing that gives fantasy a bad name. And, if it's satire--what's the point?
The Academy will probably love it. After all, they loved the notion of a sentient smartphone in Her.
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Post by epicgordan on Nov 14, 2017 4:27:47 GMT -5
WAS: Are you kidding? There are probably three films about gay romances, and two or three films about race! And two or three war films too. And Lady Bird.
Man, am I thoroughly disinterested in this year's crop of Oscar contenders. Hopefully, Darkest Hour isn't a crappy film.
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Post by epicgordan on Nov 21, 2017 15:39:47 GMT -5
I was gonna do a sarcastic review on the Wrinkles in Time trailer, but after seeing the trailer to the upcoming Peter Rabbit movie, I knew full well I absolutely must give it a Sarcastic Film Pre-Review. Seriously, it is mind-boggling just how bad it looked:
Peter Rabbit Trailer 1
Peter Rabbit Trailer 2
International Trailer
How many people remember the classic British fable of Peter Rabbit? Do you honestly think it would deserve a similar Disney animated treatment similar on par to Winnie the Pooh? Well you're completely wrong!
Peter Rabbit would MUCH prefer a Live Action/Animation hybrid film made by the same studio that brought us The Smurfs and The Emoji Movie! We'll simply keep it set in the British countryside in order to appease them yanks so they don't triple down on the lawsuits while we reduce an enduringly little picture book aimed at small kids into a slapstick hipster movie with jack all to do with the source material!
After all, if The Cat in the Hat was good enough to be released during Awards Season and hopefully compete for a Best Picture Oscar against The Return of the King, then it must be perfectly okay to adapt Peter Rabbit with even less in common with its source material by comparison.
Now all we need to do is shoehorn in a very important message into the film to make sure children and parents have ABSOLUTELY nothing to complain about. I KNOW! How about making the film preach to us about the Importance of Family! Preaching about family is how we can strip children away from the arms of their parents, while their ever contrived message that never is granted a modicum of attention or depth will shut up the parents if they find anything even remotely cold or cynical about this film.
Just like how British media nowadays is cold and cynical!? Or Sony Pictures!? I'm sure a studio that constantly makes films with utmost contempt for their audience and with only the objective of making money to motivate them would be PERFECT for capturing such a timeless tale instead of contributing to the ever increasing concerns from the Sony conglomerate to consider dropping out of the film industry altogether. After all, who cares about quality control, proper budgeting, or respect for their audience? Didn't the Emoji Movie make like a hundred billion dollars at the box office?
******************************
Seriously, HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!--*breathes deeply*--HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! FUCK YOU, SONY!
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Post by epicgordan on Nov 21, 2017 16:09:21 GMT -5
Also almost forgot one important thing: THE LOVE TRIANGLE!
Yes, I am not kidding around here! Peter Rabbit decided to take the rivalry between him and Mr. McGregor and added a female animal lover love interest for them to feud over. You know, A FAMILY PICTURE!
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Post by epicgordan on Nov 28, 2017 3:47:56 GMT -5
Well, I heard of this movie. Looked it up. And then I saw the first trailer, and felt I've seen enough. Take a wild guess how this is gonna end up! Hint: Yet another valid reason not to get Netflix:
Bright
Tired of every Urban Fantasy under the sun being mistaken for a Paranormal Romance and revolving around a Love Triangle between a Mary Sue, a Vampire, and a Werewolf?
Well, Bright is the film just for you!
Just imagine a premise where we take our world and incorporate fantasy, magic and mythology as a part of the everyday functions of our world. Heck, just imagine the groundswell of potential? Like perhaps your standard elves, dwarves, orcs, and dragons taking on Chicago Gangsters? Or a Brady Bunch-style family going on a road trip where they meet superheroes, swashbucklers, or even the aforementioned mythological beings? Such concepts could allow for a near-endless array of possibilities! Like maybe a world that can allow the normally fictional and out-of-time figures like Sherlock Holmes and James Bond to team up to take on the Cult of Cthulhu!
But want to know what is a better idea? To take the idea of fantasy races, incorporate them into our world, and make it a painfully obvious race allegory! HOW UNIQUE! It's not like we haven't seen something like this done in countless animated movies mostly aimed at children already (like Zootopia, The Land Before Time, Cats Don't Dance, Avatar, Pocahontas, the deleted scenes of Lilo & Stitch, Shrek, and whatever crap cartoons outside of "Teen Titans Go!" that happens to be on right about now). So why not preach it to an adult audience, too!
Even better, is to incorporate a hood/gangsta-style flair with a lot of hip-hop. But not like the classic style of Gangsters like Goodfellas or The Godfather; more like hoodlums who happen to be far, far more racist than any known white supremacist anywhere in the country, far more destructive, and with absolutely zero regard for the lives of anybody but themselves. Seriously, at least the Russian Mafia, as ruthless as they are, have some semblance of a code of honor.
Throw in some annoying hip-hop mixed with some auto-tuning, some horribly uncanny makeup work, and the most generic and forgettable of movie titles, and congratulations! You've pretty much isolated every single human being but the most niche of target demographics imaginable from ever having to see your movie! I'm sure lower-class people of color who grew up in crime-ridden neighborhood and are consistently impoverished would be keeping an eye out on the genre of fantasy, much less a fantasy film with such a forgettable movie title like Bright!
Of course, I'm also sure those same people most certainly have access to Netflix and would be willing to check it out. Instead of something more familiar like Straight Outta Compton, Boyz in the Hood, 8 Mile, Do the Right Thing, or All Eyez on Me. What an amazing film to add to your collection alongside such a lineup of movie titles!
Besides, Will Smith needs a break from fishing for an Oscar, what with all his amazing efforts that fell short in recent years, like Seven Pounds, After Earth, A Winter's Tale, or Collateral Beauty! Because through all intents and purposes, a film nobody's gonna see that isn't doing anything to attract the right people's attention is SURELY going to be a massive upgrade in quality (okay, seriously, that might actually be right given the comparable films, but still....)!
***************
Seriously, not only a complete waste of a great idea, but to who is this movie even aimed at? Who would even put in any time to watch this? Such a shame, too. |
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Post by epicgordan on Dec 1, 2017 13:13:46 GMT -5
Now on to one of the most high-profiled releases of the year--so high-profiled, in fact, that it successfully sent the Justice League packing. That movie in fact is Coco....
But first, here's an obnoxious animated short film. And by short film, I mean 30 minute advertisement! Dah, I mean animated Christmas short film!
Olaf's Frozen Adventure
How many people out there are getting sick and tired of the endless barrage of Frozen mercha--Ah, a unanimous yes here on these forums, I see! Well, then that must mean you're not convinced enough to buy our Funkle Pop figures, ornaments, playsets, audiobooks, dresses, costumes, an inevitable Kingdom Hearts III world (still unconfirmed), dolls, sing-a-long videos--including the entire movie given its dedicated Sing-a-Long Songs feature film version--or even the very feature film that has spawned this unstoppable hydra that is the Frozen franchise!
Did not bother watching the original Frozen film because "Let it Go" was driving you to your breaking point? Well, screw you and go listen to it! Then go buy the movie Frozen! Then go buy Queen Anna's "Birthday," short, which was shown alongside the live-action Cinderella remake a couple years ago and is entirely about the characters singing a song about how great her birthday's gonna be, even though Queen Elsa is sick with a Cold! Let's also make the song loud, obnoxious, and so catchy that it is impossible to leave your head!
But that was only 7 minutes long! How about we triple the runtime of our next Frozen-inspired short, if not quadruple it!? Let's dedicate an entire epic animated musical Christmas short film to the comic relief sidekick of the original film, Olaf! It's not like having his very own video game tie-in available on the Nintendo 3DS--BUY BUY BUY BUY BUY BUY BUY--is enough solo merchandising dedicated to an entire character. After all, look at how much MORE merchandising the Disney Princesses of this film received--so much so that even the voice actresses are pretty much cast by people who sound like proto-typical Disney Princess stereotypes like Kristen Bell and that ugly bitch from Rent! Josh Gad needs a little bit of love too, you guys!
Pour the wine and cut the cheese!
In fact, let's shoehorn in this bloated monstrosity of a short film in front of an animated feature that pretty much looks like The Book of Life from a couple years ago, only with less hipster comedy and zero love triangles. After all, most people came to see that, and not more Frozen merchandising. But what do they know? Next thing we know, we'll just force yet another Frozen sequel or television show down their throats, and we'll abduct the families of the cast and crew up for ransom forcing them to participate further in this hydra of mass media consumption.
Just keep shoehorning in so much Frozen merchandising that it renders outsiders completely jaded to your property and wanting absolutely nothing to do with it. At least the only thing annoying about The Lion King was "Hakuna Matata!"
Not enough merchandising? If a trilogy of sequels to Frozen and a Frozen TV show isn't enough money, let's make an entire Frozen Cinematic Universe! Or better yet, in another ten years or so when our money-making hydra is fully dried up, let's give it a Live-Action remake because every one of our animated cannon films are getting remakes nowadays!
In fact, why don't we do both!? Yes, let's make a Frozen Cinematic Universe with multiple television tie-ins, and then remake them all in Live-Action, and give that a Cinematic Universe! We should drop every animated project we're working on for more Frozen merchandising. Let's even include a crossover between Frozen and Tangled--even though the ending to the latter film would make such a concept entirely impractical (since Rapunzel's golden locks have been cut clean off at the end of the film)--but we need to sell more toys and a tie-in to Tangled, and perhaps even Moana as well, could help expand this Cinematic Universe concept wide open!
Wait a moment! Perhaps we are stretching what was once considered a perfectly serviceable film way too thin. Perhaps we are isolating what little audience that we have. Perhaps we should take a couple steps back and just let our film's success and our merchandising play out naturally.
OR we could triple down on the Frozen merchandising! Frozen theme parks; Frozen foods! Cooked products that are "Fresh Frozen"; Frozen commercials! Frozen TV! Let's even hijack all of our Disney-sponsored television stations and have them play nothing but Frozen movies, shorts, and tv shows back-to-back-to-back in 12-hour marathons 7 days a week, 365 days a year!
After all, if there's one thing we've learned when we made Frozen in the first place is simple! It doesn't even have a candle to "Teen Titans Go!" the Cars trilogy, or the Marvel Cinematic Universe in terms of marketability!
**********************
Seriously, a 20-30 minute Olaf short!? Sorry, but I'm gonna wait until it comes out on video before giving Coco a chance. I've had Enough with Frozen! Perfectly serviceable in parts, but it's run its course, and frankly, I do not desire to encourage such a hydra to grow. Even if Coco is any good.
Luckily, there's one effortless way to kill a hydra! Cut its heads off and then set the stumps on fire! Then smash the remaining head underneath a boulder, burying it forever! Villagers! Bring out your torches and pitchforks!
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Post by epicgordan on Dec 9, 2017 11:49:50 GMT -5
I'm bored. What kind of movies are coming out again? Besides Avengers and Star Wars, anyways? Oh, right! Another film made by Sony Pictures! Let's get started!
Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle
Anybody looking forward to this remake--
xxx
Dah I mean reboot--
xxx
Spinoff?
xxx
....this isn't a sequel to the original Jumanji, is it?
"You're Winner!"
Yay! It's not like people ever really cared about a niche little fantasy/adventure film starring the late Robin Williams, let alone enough to invest much time in a sequel made 22 years later....Which is why it is such a BRILLIANT idea to make, release, and heavily push and market the sequel right now!
And what better way to push a sequel than to completely change what Jumanji was to begin with. Both the game AND the movie! Let's make it a video game that sucks players right into it's world! That's definitely a unique and original concept that I'm sure nobody had ever done before (it's actually quite a popular concept in Japanese anime), and will in fact no way completely distract from the fact that the entire game was completely retconned from the board game it was originally.
In fact, let's instead focus on a cast of Breakfast Club rejects and trick people into thinking that it is a remake of that film instead of a follow-up to a niche 1995 Robin Williams fantasy that people are really huge fans of...for...some...reason. Never mind the fact that the two films are made by completely different people and studios (Breakfast Club was Paramount). Now what was I saying? Oh, yeah!
Let's make the Breakfast Club rejects our main characters! They are the nerd, the jock, the princess, and the head case. But no rebel though; that would actually give Paramount grounds for suing us for sneaking in a cross-over remake/reboot/cinematic universe idea that no sane person would ever conceive, much less a room full of chart guys and hack analysts. But now that we've established our main characters' roles, it is then time to toss them all aside for Dwayne Johnson, Kevin Hart, Jack Black, and Karen Gillen respectively!
SURPRISE! Those are the video game roles each character selected, and now they have outlived their usefulness! Now we have a MUCH more marketable film now that we have a full cast of AAA+ actors that I'm sure EVERYBODY would love to become just like in an escapist fantasy. Well, maybe Dwayne Johnson and Karen Gillen. The princess and jock get to play a fat slob/rock-n-roll fanboy and the black version of Adam Sandler. I mean after all, there's never been a grounded and well-meaning rich, pretty girl or a multi-dimensional sports jock that is anything else but a bully!
After all, does anybody remember just how badly Peyton Manning treated those kids in front of the camera here!? That's what I thought!
************
Seriously, it's probably not going to be any good, but it's hardly that egregious a sin on Sony's part. Especially in a year that has provided us with The Emoji Movie.
Still, screw you, Sony! Yeah, I'm pretty much going to give them the PG rated version of my seal of disapproval here and just skip the movie altogether. |
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Post by epicgordan on Dec 17, 2017 2:32:49 GMT -5
The most highly anticipated movie of the year is finally here! In a galaxy far, far away from here, comes the story of a hero who must battle his inner demons in order to help save the universe from the forces of darkness. This is our movie! And it's about time we tackle this epic in a sarcastic manner!
Star Wars: The Last Jedi
Oh, I'm sorry! I'm afraid that all the screenings for this whole week are completely booked! Care to watch Ferdinand instead?
No, I insist! If you can't catch a screening to see the latest Star Wars movie, then you got to go see Ferdinand right now! Go ahead! Watch it! I promise you that our movie is MUCH better than that icky Star Wars movie! No way we're just releasing our movie in order to capitalize on the bustling business that our competition is bringing right now!
I promise you that we're more like The Peanuts Movie or Winnie the Pooh, and totally nothing like Alvin and the Chipmunks! After all, you can totally trust us! We made 5 Ice Age and 2 Rio movies for crying out loud! I mean we may have made 5 Ice Age and 2 Rio movies, but we also made The Peanuts Movie!
Why don't you trust us!? Our parent company was what kickstarted that Star Wars phenomenon in the first place, and now they stab us in the back by joining Disney! We really need you to see Ferdinand! You can't see Star Wars, even if you wanted to. So why not give us a shot?
At least we're somewhat following the source material, only updated to be more relevant to modern times. After all, that's what we did with Horton Hears a Who, and that film was an outstanding success (I'm totally not lying through my teeth right now)! Just like Ferdinand!
We're totally not desperate for you to see our movie! It's not like we're being bought out by Disney or anything, and we're simply leeching off the success of our former properties! Just go see Ferdinand! Because if you do not see our movie, then you are a child-hater!
*************
Seriously, if I can see the latest Star Wars, then so can you. Just plan out your trip in advance and go if you haven't already. Even if it was good, I doubt Ferdinand would be an acceptable alternative.
Or you can simply stay home and ignore both movies. That works, too!
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Post by William Smith on Dec 17, 2017 20:34:31 GMT -5
In re: Lady Bird, as you mention above: it's already getting awards. And it looks deadly.
Deadly.
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Post by epicgordan on Dec 22, 2017 3:50:05 GMT -5
This one's for you, WAS. I know you don't like poems much, but I hope you enjoy it. It's called, "Christmas Jerks," and it's perfectly suitable for a thread like this. Let's get started:
Ahem
******************
Christmas is Almost Here,
And it's time for a Preview,
It's a Most Beautiful Time of Year,
"Ba, Humbug!" I review!
Who cares about love or goodwill,
When we can focus on jerks,
Burning down orphanages and skipping on bills,
With a cruel, ruthless smirk!
After all, Scrooge and the Grinch,
Showed us the way,
On How to make money in a pinch,
Every Christmas Day!
Scrooge may be cold and unkind,
Yet shown he can be redeemed.
He gave Cratchit the day off, you mind,
And then three spirits appeared, it seemed.
They showed him the way,
Of Christmas' True Meaning,
To celebrate with cheer each day,
"God Bless Us, Everyone," he says, gleaming.
The Grinch, the misanthrope he may be,
His eyes became our own,
He hated Christmas, for us to see,
All the commercialism had sown.
Whether he was right meant nothing,
When the Who opened the doors,
That's when he saw something,
"That perhaps, meant a little bit more."
But who cares about all that,
Because they were both mean!
I'll show them; I'm not a hack,
Check out these Movies I have seen!
Deck the Halls, Four Christmases,
And Christmas with the Kranks, too!
Even I'll Be Home for Christmas,
Or Eight Crazy Nights will do!
How about something cynical,
Some purtrid, disgusting swill!
Like Bad Santa, which is quite critical,
Of the Holiday we want to kill!
So why can't we copy the movie,
To deconstruct and corrupt!
Christmas is offensive as can be,
For those who hate and disrupt!
Like South Park and The Night Before,
Or Sequels to Bad Moms and Daddy's Home;
So too is Fred Claus rotten to the core,
These films aren't completely loathsome!
And if you dare have the gall,
To call me out on my lies;
I say, "Merry Christmas to All,
NOW YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"
****************
Seriously, I have a few problems with the poem, especially with the ending. But, I felt I needed to get it out sooner or later. I worked really hard on it. Feel free to criticize it however you please. I'll take whatever criticism that comes my way.
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Post by epicgordan on Jan 22, 2018 14:56:33 GMT -5
It's been a month since I last did one of these. So why not talk about the Razzie nominees of 2017? Let's get started!
Worst Picture:
Baywatch
The Emoji Movie
Fifty Shades Darker
The Mummy
Transformers: The Last Knight
Worst Director:
Darren Aronofsky (Mother!)
Michael Bay (Transformers: The Last Knight)
James Foley (Fifty Shades Darker)
Alex Kurtzman (The Mummy)
Anthony Leondis (The Emoji Movie)
Worst Actor:
Tom Cruise (The Mummy)
Johnny Depp (Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales)
Jamie Dornan (Fifty Shades Darker)
Zac Efron (Baywatch)
Mark Wahlberg (Daddy's Home 2; Trasnformers: The Last Knight)
Worst Actress:
Dakota Johnson (Fifty Shades Darker)
Katherine Heigl (Unforgettable)
Jennifer Lawrence (Mother!)
Tyler Perry (Boo 2! A Madea Halloween)
Emma Watson (The Circle)
Worst Supporting Actor:
Javier Barden (Mother!; Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales)
Russell Crowe (The Mummy)
Josh Duhamel (Transformers: The Last Knight)
Mel Gibson (Daddy's Home 2)
Anthony Hopkins (Collide; Transformers: The Last Knight)
Worst Supporting Actress:
Kim Basinger (Fifty Shades Darker)
Sofia Boutella (The Mummy)
Laura Haddock (Transformers: The Last Knight)
Goldie Hawn (Snatched)
Susan Sarandon (A Bad Mom's Christmas)
Worst Screenplay:
Baywatch
The Emoji Movie
Fifty Shades Darker
The Mummy
Transformers: The Last Knight
Worst Remake, Rip-off, or Sequel:
Baywatch
Boo 2! A Madea Halloween
Fifty Shades Darker
The Mummy
Transformers: The Last Knight
Worst Screen Combo:
Any Combination of Two Characters, Two Sex Toys, or Two Sexual Positions
(Fifty Shades Darker)
Any Combination of Two Humans, Two Robots, or Two Explosions
(Transformers: The Last Knight)
Any Two Obnoxious Emojis
(The Emoji Movie)
Johnny Depp and His Worn Out Drunk Routine
(Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales)
Tyler Perry and Either the Ratty Old Dress or Worn Out Wig
(Boo 2! A Madea Halloween)
No Razzie Redeemer Award this year. And interestingly enough, the only film from this lineup that I've actually seen was Mother! Anyways, time to compile the lineup of movies in alphabetical order:
A Bad Mom's Christmas
Baywatch
Boo 2! A Madea Halloween
The Circle
Collide
Daddy's Home 2
The Emoji Movie
Fifty Shades Darker
Mother!
The Mummy
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales
Snatched
Transformers: The Last Knight
Unforgettable
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Post by epicgordan on Jan 22, 2018 15:22:20 GMT -5
Now where should I begin when analyzing the trailers for this year's crop of Razzie nominees? I've already seen Mother!, so that's not going to work. Especially since the trailers do not reveal all that much about what the film is REALLY all about.
I KNOW! How about the R-rated comedies in this year's lineup! We have Bad Mom's Christmas, which I gave mention to in my Christmas poem, and we also have Baywatch and Snatched for good measure.
After all, the kind of R-rated comedies we must make requires one careful ingredient to include before we unleash said films into cinemas. And that's characters doing awful things in general, and without any rhyme or reason for them to do so. This is mostly involved in endless waves of line-o-rama where the characters endlessly improvise lines of dialogue while the whole film slams to a screeching halt, because The 40-Year-Old Virgin did it and it was really funny back then...for...some...reason.
Now this bad behavior normally involves doing a lot of drugs; having sexual escapades; using a bunch of filthy language even if there's no reason for it; nudity--specifically male nudity; and lashing out against your own parents.
What's that? You find our utter lack of restraint to be rather boring, tedious, and otherwise a complete waste of time? That's fine! How about we triple down on the heathenistic lifestyle of our main characters to the point that they cease having any semblance of likeability or relatability whatsoever! That's totally not going to be jarring when we get to the eventual heart-to-heart scenes because we need to convince critics and audiences that our films are deep, artistic and progressive...somehow. This will in no way end up getting old and increasingly tedious.
Still not offended by our work, but you want to be? That's fine. We just need one last little ingredient, and then maybe we will gain enough notoriety to receive a Razzie nomination for Worst Picture. I KNOW! Let's make it an adaptation of a classic show, only to have literally nothing to do with it, while corrupting the source material to the point that even fans can't stand what they are looking at. After all, who else would find Zac Effron, Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson, and their dicks far more attractive and sexy than Pamela Anderson vs. Carmen Electra in their prime?
Oh, I guess that's a lot of people, but not really the target audience for this sort of film. Why isn't it that people are watching our movies or getting pissed off about them, anyways? We just took a show that was tailor-made to be sexy eye-candy for public television and made it gay. It can't possibly have to do with the fact that audiences prefer characters that actually have a pleasant personality, even if they have an air of arrogance and ego rather than total cancers of human beings taken straight out of an Adam Sandler movie and corrupted beyond all recognition.
Oh, that's right. That movie was called That's My Boy. And it didn't make much money back then, either.
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Seriously, I've gone on and on about R-rated comedies already, and frankly, I have nothing further to add.
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